I’ve seen you so many times now. I am losing track. Your memories are getting stronger. Instead of getting hazy, they are going conspicuous. Very unusual but I’ve forgotten everything bad about you now. Love does that to you, I guess.
Yesterday I had a dream. I am not sure why. But I saw you once again. All this time, I had stopped thinking about you. You would be there, but I would overlook. I would see all those other things in my life that would bring a smile to my face. I would try my best to eschew you or any of your thought that would cause a chemical imbalance in my head. But the dream happened as if happening in a parallel universe in reality. It being a different universe altogether, I am not sure I remember much. But I do remember one thing for sure. It was you.
Here’s what I dreamt:
I was busy chatting with my friends and having fun, when out of the blue she appeared from mist and stood next to me. Just like Mal in Inception, she appeared like a strong memory. I can still remember her face woeful with miserable written all over it. Strange but I’ve always pictured her that way. I’ve never had a dream wherein I’ve seen her smiling or even happy. She looked really sad. She pointed, “You forgot me na!” and with a pang in my heart I realized within seconds that it was true. For a couple of months I haven’t had a single thought of her. Not a single dream about her. I had finally surmounted my heart until, of course, now. How did she find her way to me? I thought, “I had really forgotten her.” I felt this sudden urge, a strange urge to apologize to her and to set things right again. She started to wither then. Like dreams are meant to be. Unpredictable.
I tried calling her. She picked up but she was still adamant, like she was six years ago, in that coffee place. She invariably asserted, “You’ve forgotten me. Yes! You have!” I was speechless, once again, choking. I kept saying to her, “Listen to me. Listen to me at least!” as the phone died.
I woke up. I tried to forget what I saw. I carried out my daily routine, just like any other jaded day. It was only in the afternoon when I saw you once again, your picture on the famous social networking site. Smiling in one of them. Weary in another. The weary one got me strangely attracted. I got this sudden urge to pick you up in my arms, you cuddling towards safety finding your way in my bosom and me saying, “My baby! Come here and get some sleep.”
I couldn’t help but click on your pictures. Something I barred my heart from doing all these years because I know my heart is weak. It succumbs to you every now and then. I went through all of them. My mind would, meanwhile, talk to me sanely like,
“Why are you doing this?”
but my heart would confront:
“I don’t care. I am just so human!”
My hands were involuntary. They kept on flipping every page. I let go those tears I was never fond of keeping.
Life is a tragedy. No matter how happy you are. I always thought of myself as a happy guy. But these thoughts of you, make me feel otherwise. I get a feeling, that I would never, ever be really happy without you by my side.
You are like a drug to me and I am addicted. Yet you are not dead and I am not really alive.